THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
A friend sent me this.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.