I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
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{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.