[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
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lost dog
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now