I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.