If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.