I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
#oldknees
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.