I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend