So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,