I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Breaking news:
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.