i can’t wait that long
You Might Also Like
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Pretty much! 😂👀
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist