[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Wednesday
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.