Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
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I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
a lot to unpack here
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.