HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Care for your back
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths