I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.