When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
kitchen magnet
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.