If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
This is not me but this is me
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter