[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.