“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed