Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
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Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.