“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
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this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog