[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif