Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Seems a bit forward
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?