BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*