my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
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WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Bring back the McRib
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The smoothest fall of all time
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong