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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”