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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Eat…
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: