Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?