“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances