*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
That’s amazing.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
excuse me
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.