When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
📽️movie date🎞️
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?