M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
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I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”