Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
True statement👍😏😁
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here