*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress