Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say