Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
the saddest jazz hands ever
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Had a spot of bother earlier.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.