Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Chicken bread
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
translated into Canadian
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*