You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
You Might Also Like
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.