Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down