“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.