Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Canada has crack?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.