My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’