My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Wise advice
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.