Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.