“and how does that make you feel?”
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew