You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.