I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.