[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.