Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Aw man, but that’s the best part
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?