Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
#damn
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason