Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
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